If you’re faint of heart and expecting this may not be the “Birth Story” for you.
It so hard to believe it will be a year in October….
As it feels like weeks, and at times only days ago when I laid awake at night uncomfortable, agitated, and impatient. Swift little kicks from tiny little feet seemed to be bruising my body on the inside, and I am almost certain I would get up to pee about 10+ times every night. This little one was nearly as late as her big sister was as my date came and went. Week one slowly crawled by, and we made it well into week two. Still waiting.
I had eagerly counted down the days for her arrival. I had put so much hope into a due-date (9/24) that when she didn’t come, my tears did instead. I was heartsick as I had hoped she would have been in my arms already. I thought she would be snuggled up in the crib beside me by now. I could hardly wait to meet my baby girl. The thought of her overwhelmed me with an indescribable joy.
I had gone to the hospital multiple times with false labor pains, or as some call it prodromal labor. Then finally the contractions began in my back as I laid awake in bed the morning of October 4th, 2014. Afraid that I would be crying wolf for the third, or possibly the fourth time I continued to lay in bed and quietly timed my contractions alone. These contractions felt different, they were powerful, so after I timed consistent intervals between them I knew it was time. I promptly shared the news with Coltin.
He was excited. His eyes lit up and he called the hospital to let them know we would be on our way. I love his love for Fatherhood.
Trina Elise was FINALLY on her way into the world.
As we made it to the hospital the joy, thrill, and excitement overwhelmed us. I must add there was fear mixed into that cocktail of emotions as well. After all we all know that giving birth is no easy task.
I had a nearly 7-page birth plan in my hospital bag and I was pretty sure I knew exactly what I wanted and, exactly what I didn’t.
I wanted my husband Coltin there, one of my best friends Sheila Karonis to be there, and I wanted a safe and swift vaginal delivery.
I did not want… a C-section… an episiotomy, I definitely didn’t want a mirror, or for Coltin to cut the umbilical cord before it stopped pulsating. I also did not want any pain. I wanted NO pain. None.
While in London I gave birth to my first daughter and I had an epidural but it was not as nearly effective as one may hope. So this time around in the States I wanted a very effective epidural. I talked to many other moms that received them and it sounded like their labor and deliveries were near painless. To my delight a painless delivery sounded like a promising possibility.
So that is what I wanted, and that is what I prepared myself for. No pain. None. Swift and easy. Ill be in-and-out in no time. The IV and other needles may hurt a little, but after that I will be numb and ready to get this show on the road. Smooth sailing here we come!
Well lets just say that things did not go as planned.
Not even close.
Things were going as planned for a while. Epidural was in, and I was numb and pretty comfortable. Itchy very very itchy but I wasn’t in pain.
Then suddenly when I was approximately 9-10 centimeters dilated the pain came over me like I never could have imagined. I had a tiny relief on my upper left side but full blown contractions on the right side of my body, and I could certainly feel EVERYTHING from the waist down.
I felt blindsided. Blindsided with a level of pain that I didn’t know existed, blindsided with fear, and blindsided with the realization that it was too late for anyone to do anything for me.
I hysterically screamed and cried. I was begging for someone to give me something, anything to take the pain away….
and all I got in return was about 5 people yelling back at me
“ITS TO LATE!!!”
and my breath was taken away from my own screaming.
As I gasped an oxygen mask was urgently strapped my face, because my babies heart rate was dropping….
and as I fought to catch my breath, another wave of pain would seemingly overtake me.
I cried out to God in prayer and I begged those around me to help me.
No one there could take the pain, and the only ONE who could take my pain… did not.
Spiritually, I had not prepared myself for any plan other then my own.
Emotionally, I had not prepared for any plan other then my own.
and physically …. well let’s just say I had no idea what I was in for.
I was suffering. I was suffering a level of pain that I have no idea how women choose to endure more then once.
There are some strong women out there who go all natural multiple times, but i’m pretty sure there is at least some preparation, meditation, or setting of the mind that goes into that?!?!
Finally my contractions stopped.
They stopped suddenly.
It was over.
She was here.
I felt disillusioned as she was wrapped in a blanket before my eyes and placed warmly on my chest.
I was shaking, and as I held her I cried…
I cried because she was perfectly beautiful, perfectly healthy, and mine…
My body was shaking because of all I had just endured, and I cried because I was angry…
I cried because things went so differently then I had prayed for, and so differently then I expected. What happened to my plan?
I had no idea it was possible to cry so many tears because of so many emotions all at the very same time!
God used me to bring a second life into the world and it was so painful. It was extremely painful, but man it was worth it!
I had no idea there was so much love in my heart, that I could love a second child as much as I love my first. I had no idea I was capable of joyfully getting up in the middle of the night to feed little tummies, and to change little bums. I had no idea wordless sounds, and soft cries would be like music to my ears. I had no idea that I had this much room in my heart, and the desire to give all that I am to give them the best life they could possibly ever have, and though it took me a while to recover emotionally and physically from the labor and delivery…. I can say my little girls are worth it! The pain was worth it! Every second of suffering were worth it. The screams and feelings of helplessness were worth it! The months of physical therapy I needed post-partum…. WORTH IT!
I screamed out in prayer, I begged God to relieve my pain and he didn’t do it exactly when I wanted him to. He did however eventually take the pain, and not only did he take the pain he comforted me.
He comforted me through my loving husband, and my friend Sheila. He comforted me through the tiny little fingers that held tightly to my hand, and through the beautiful little eyes that looked up at me. He gave me a second child, and I am so grateful and excited to celebrate her first Birthday next month.
Our God is an amazing God, and he answers prayers perfectly in his timing:)